Letters & Soda

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The thing about dating is I have to constantly reaffirm what I want to myself.

It’s easy to get sidetracked by something shiny. Oh he’s attracted to me! Oh he contacts me daily to hang out! Oh. . . but hanging out means going over to his place to be naked in bed. That? That’s not what I want. I mean I WANT that eventually but not as the main criteria for a “relationship.” I am not looking for a fuck buddy. Anyone can find a hook up. I want something deeper. I want something special.

I want to find My Person.

Maybe this makes me sound like a prude? I’m not. I’m just too tired and too old for the game playing, too disinterested in empty sex and hollow flirtations. I want to be wowed and I’m willing to wait for it. You see, I get to make a choice. Over and over. I am in charge of this to a certain degree. I firmly believe we teach people how to treat us. If I don’t want to be a piece of ass to some guy, then I don’t have to. The external validation can’t drive me. It’s what I’m seeking inside that counts here. I have to trust my gut. I have to trust myself. And I have to be patient.

You can’t force a person to be Your Person. I see myself and friends trying to calculate and negotiate a perfectly nice person into Their Person. It just doesn’t happen that way. Not in the way that lasts. If you have to engage in multiple processing conversations about what you are going to be or not be after two dates? There’s something not clicking there. If you can’t find time or inclination to get together? Then that’s telling you something. If you like them well enough but not enough to get excited about them? Then maybe you’re not all that interested. You can’t fake this stuff. You have to be real. You have to be honest. You have to try but know when to walk away.

That’s the part I’m learning- the walking away part. There’s no shame in it. There should be no regret. I do not ever want to be that person that someone settles for, that someone says is “good enough” or that someone stays with because they are too afraid of not finding anyone better. I want to be someone’s WOW, someone’s Person.

And I will be.

“And whatever happened to a boyfriend/The kind of guy who tries to win you over?/And whatever happened to a boyfriend/The kind of guy who makes love ’cause he’s in it/And I want a boyfriend/I want a boyfriend/I want all that boring old shit like letters and sodas/Letters and sodas. . .” -Fuck & Run, Liz Phair

60 thoughts on “Letters & Soda”

  1. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to invest yourself in a meaningful relationship. The only real danger is becoming so wrapped up in finding that perfect “one” that you miss out on other friendships along the way.

    I know for myself, I can get a little obsessive. Sometimes I have to mentally slap myself and take a step. Then I realize that I’m focusing so intently on wanting to be in love that I’m actually isolating myself from people that enrich my life in other ways.

    • I worried that this post, while brief, would leave people to think I was only seeking perfection. That is not the case. But I think I will know what feels right when I meet it because I trust myself and am not willing to settle for half-assedness. There is a lot of half-assedness in the dating world. I love meeting new people and am open to just seeing who is out there.

      🙂 Sizz

  2. I gotta be honest, I have always been a romantic at heart and this hit me right where it matters. Your sentence about being someone’s “wow,” I loved it!!!!

  4. I’ll have you know that it was that moment I was ready to walk away from dating as a whole that I met Sweets. You’re spot on with the strength that comes from walking away, as it means you’ll know when it’s worth the stay. And personally? I can’t wait for *when* that happens to you – because, yes it will!

  5. You WILL be. You describe exactly what I KNEW with Matthew after our first date. He knew it too. Ten years and three kids later, I’m glad I didn’t settle for less. 🙂

  6. I am constantly amazed at your post and how similar our lives seem to be. I probably sound like a crazy person. I assure you I am not at least not is a stalkerish kind of way. 🙂 Some of your post just whack me upside the head. LOL

    • Karla- I don’t think you are crazy or a stalker. I’ve experienced those firsthand. Glad we can support each other on our respective journeys.

  7. Wait….Does this mean we’re going to do it or does this mean we’re not going to do it? This blog is so confusing.

  8. I want to be someone’s WOW

    and you will be, 100x over

    believing it makes it happen

    (you are! you are!)

    xo
    j

  9. I totally agree. You WILL be someone’s person. And I think the understanding that you’ve expressed in this post is crucial to making that happen. You know what’s real and what’s half-assed. That is so important.

  10. Ms. Sizzle, you are not being prude or asking for perfection. Actually you are right on with everything you said. You want what YOU want and you should NEVER have to settle for less. Settling will only lead to disaster and heart break. Keep on going for what you want lady and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise!

  11. i dated someone for six months before he told me he hoped to fall in love again someday – obviously not with me. i could go on about he strung me along for half a year, but i knew at the time that things were blah, and that i was with the guy because it was easier than being alone.

    later, i met someone who treated me like his “wow” – the romance, the affection, the pretty words – but was too terrified to take it beyond, “let’s live in the moment.”

    then i realized i needed someone who was both my wow and unafraid to at least try and have a life with me (stress on “try”). one without the other just isn’t worth it, at least to me.

  13. I think I’m just in the last year learning about waiting (a long time) to have sex with someone I’m dating and to not engage in any fuck-buddying. FBs really DO inhibit moving forward (mine did).

    If a man is interested enough, he will see you and wait for it. I just started seeing someone new in the last couple of weeks, and we both agreed that we want to wait, that we want to build a real relationship–one that we know wasn’t built on pure physical intimacy/sex. That’s new for me, sorta, and I am really enjoying it. He’s the first guy in probably five years (before my ex) that I’ve felt so genuinely close to and trust and feel emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually safe with, and I believe a lot of that has to do with waiting (not to say we don’t have fun, but we limit that fun). I haven’t been treated this special in years…since before my 4-year LTR. As you know, I’ve had some dating drama lately, and I really never expected this to happen. But I’m happy. It’s taken FOR-EVER.

    I totally understand where you are coming from, though. You deserve nothing less than what you want in your heart. You will get it. Be sure your heart is open to a loving partner, prepare your home to share with a loving partner. That will help you create the energy. Sounds silly, but I swear it prepares your heart and mind and soul and welcomes that space and energy for the right guy, the right relationship–for YOUR PERSON.

    I am excited to see how this unfolds for you, Sizz. xo

  14. I love that “being someone’s WOW” phrase, it sums it up perfectly. I’ve been someone’s WOW, and I’ve had others be my WOW too. What I find difficult is to have those two WOWs happen at the same time, reciprocated between him and I. It seems to take time and effort, and hanging in there, being patient with ourselves and those we date, until one day it happens, because it will happen, I have no doubt about that.
    I loved this post Sizz. Thanks!

  15. I agree– he doesn’t have to be perfect, but he should be YOUR Person.
    Sometimes with even those people, you can’t make the effort to get together. Sometimes, even with that person, they are involved in something that we just can’t get into at all. We nod our head, and listen, and make supportive noises, and know that somehow, it is important to Them. Sometimes, being in love is like riding an Ostrich. You are on this bird, and it’s running along…and it’s slippery and bouncy, and you are clinging on there trying not to fall off! You hang on, because you know this person would do the same for you. The right person is worth all that, because they are trustworthy, and love you for all the right reasons. They love you, for You. Because yeah, you are Their Person.:-)

    It isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it for that level of love and trust and commitment. It’s worth it, for a forever kind of Love.

  18. As much as I can’t wait to hear about Your Person when he appears, I’m also SO GLAD I’m not the only single person left in the world.

    And bravo for knowing what you want and not settling for anything less.

  21. If this could only be made into a poster and put up in high schools and colleges everywhere. Actually, make that just put up everywhere, since it’s really ageless.

  24. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! This is my biggest struggle right now. You have written exactly what I needed to see and read. I hope that I can be someones WOW. I get so distracted by the little things and then discouraged when they arn’t my WOW.
    I’ve been reading for some time, and just haven’t commented, but thank you once again!

  27. You know what is REALLY frustrating??? When you find someone that you think is your WOW and you think you are their WOW (they even used that word when talking about you eg. “WOW where did I find you again?”) but then they tell you that their feelings arent growing for you and you stop dating. It kind of leaves you standing there trying to figure out what in the F just happened. This just happened to me. 😦 And I can’t seem to get excited about starting over to find a different WOW. Uggh….

  28. Dang girl, there should be about 8,000 persons out there for your sassy self. But … BUT. The Person will come along, probably when you Least Expect It, and it will be THE AWESOME.

    I, for one, can’t wait to hear that you have found The Person, but I think you’re 110% tops without Said Person.

  29. Also, I back up justrun. I totally believe that if we encourage douchbaggery in men (i.e. tolerating less than tolerable decisions, dating dudes who have terrible outlooks on treating women/life/etc), we are permitting them to continue to be douchebags. And then other dudes think “hey, being a douchebag works for so-and-so”… and so on, and so on, … (isn’t there an 80s commercial with that refrain?).
    It’s up to women to help change that direction. Douchebags not allowed!

  32. At least you’re still trying. I stopped, kinda gave up hope. Now I’m just neutral. But I definitely would never, ever settle for less than he who feels like My Person at this point. That’s like looking for a house for 20 years and getting tired of the search and signing on for any old place. No thanks. I really believe we have to value ourselves enough to wait for just the right person with whom to spend our time and space. The alternative just isn’t acceptable to me either.

  35. Yes, you absolutely will be!!! And that doesn’t make you a prude in the least. It means that you’re realizing what you Really Want. There is TONS of power in that!

  36. Of all your posts, I must say I like this one best 🙂 You’re absolutely right – anyone can have and/or be a fuck buddy, but in the end… no matter how great the sex may be… its just leaves one feeling empty. Much wisdom and honesty here and such a great reminder that no one should ever settle.

  39. Wow!! I totally hear you! I’m back on the dating scene and it all seems to be about sex. And once you go to the sex bit, it’s hard to then slow it down and not sleep with them.
    I have learnt… it’s taken a bit!
    But definitely stick to finding the man you want, they need to wine & dine you before the intimacy kicks in 🙂

  40. LIz Phair. Wow. Have to break out those early albums that you turned me on to!
    Keep on keeping on. You do what you need to do for you. He’s out there prob feeling the same way. Keep your head up.

  41. Pingback: Remembering the Start « Sizzle Says

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